Sunday, October 9, 2011

Zero In

I call it my ground zero when reality exploded under my feet a couple of years after 9/11. You see, I had been away from home in New York when I got a call from my sister.  My mother, whom I had not seen for over ten years, died.  Soon, like dominoes, my life came tumbling after.

I left home again and moved to Canada a month after her funeral.  Luckily, I had no problem landing a job.  However, I considered it only to be a stepping stone then, so I resumed my quest for more.  I must have written over a hundred resumes, and even paid a professional career counselor to polish one, in search of that dream job.  Not only that, I took several courses to upgrade my credentials, went through endless job interviews, and even explored joining the lucrative business of health care.  I tell you, I tried everything.  Each time, a door slammed shut.

Summing it all up, it came to that proverbial falling-on-my-knees-to-pray.  Much to my chagrin, it was not a story of answered prayers and this-is-how-I-ended-up-rich like those best selling books we see around.  Instead things only got tougher. 

I became angry.  The question was how to tell someone I feared that I was mad at him.  Then, I had an idea.  I recalled how I would write letters when I wanted to tell someone things that I could not say in person.  So I began writing letters to God whom I perceived to be a great spirit lurking behind the clouds, ready to pounce on me as soon as I sinned.

It turned out to be a no holds barred account of each day of the year-how I felt and what I thought of him.  I was like that errant student who was made to write the same sentence over and over again on the blackboard after class until I got it.  I ended up with a luggage full of letters.

Finally, I began to see God up close and personal.  He, ever powerful, mighty, loving, and devoted Teacher, has a good sense of humor after all. He finally replied, "you never asked me what I wanted you to do in your life."

Indeed, it was his unique, creative solutions that made me zero in on an empty page. I decided to go to school to learn about expressive and creative writing. It was a year ago in October when Fine Looking Island People was born out of my need to express myself to my God.

Only after doing away with a lot of negatives, zeroing in on the more important things in life, that I was able to appreciate what it means to die in oneself to begin anew.  Even Steve Jobs knew that.  He said, "death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new."


  1. I like this personal post of yours. Although I have found my God years ago after leaving a very abusive relationship, I still have a few struggle at the moment and the noise in my head continued to mess with me the past few months.

    Now, things are clearing up and I am getting a little peace, one day at a time. Some of my questions have been answered by what you wrote. So I consider you a voice of God. Keep writing and expressing yourself, I am behind your trails and will soon rock my own world.

  2. Hi Marie,

    My intention was really to share my experiences. Before I published this post, I asked God to send it to people who need it. I am glad you found it.

    No need to mention that I struggled and still do-to be more trusting of Him, amidst those troubles that we should accept as part of life. Now, I meditate more than ever.